Ham let
by 4TL4nt1s
Summary: Ham let is a short scene depicting a dinner including the main characters of Hamlet by Shakespeare (Laertes, Polunius, Getrude, Hamlet Junior Claudius and Ophelia.) It's basically a parodic essay in which Hamlet Junior is a muslim. All the characters actually die ridiculously.
**Ham let**

On the first day of april the kingdom of Denmark was filled with a dark and sinister atmoshpere. Even if it was the beginning of spring, maybe was it because the weather is always capricious in this region, maybe was it the skies that decided that the royal family couldn't have some rest after this tough winter.

Nevertheless, the family decided they'll have a feast anyway.

After all, they had all the money of the taxes from the people of the kingdom !

Claudius, Gertrude, Polonius, Laertes and Hamlet Junior were all sat by the huge table on which was laying an impressive bowl of wine and a tasty piece of pork, the head was remaining and an apple was in its mouth.

"Would you want some Darling ?" intoned Gertrude

-"Mom, how many times will I tell you that I am muslim and that I do not eat pork !"

Astonished by Gertrude's behaviour, Hamlet suddenly became pale before saying "Oh my lord" and then fainted.

"Oh my sweet Lord, my son is not feeling well at all !" shouted Gertrude. She tried to look around, and then fainted.

Claudius stared at her new wife falling on the table before screaming "Oh my holy sweet Lord !" and then fainted.

"Oh my holy blessed sweet Lord !" said Polonius "My master is getting ill !". He took a deep breath, and then failed to faint... And finally succeeded.

Hamlet was twitching into his plate, rambling on strange unintelligible words.

He was in fact having a vision, maybe was it from the Holy blessed sweet Lord.

No. In fact it was his father, he could see his face hovering in the skies.

Hamlet's father started to say something, it sounded like "Simba..., huh I mean son... Claudius is the one who murdered me... Please, avenge me..."

Hamlet instantly woke up, there was only one person that was still not asleep, it was Laertes.

As hamlet slowly raised his head, Laertes was about to say something : "Oh my holy blessed sweet goddamned Lord !"

-"That's an oxymoron." said Hamlet calmly. "You see, my friend, a holy blessed sweet Lord cannot be damned by a sweet blessed holy Lord, because it is already a God which cannot be Goddamned.

That, is, an, oxymoron."

Laertes stared at Hamlet with a skeptical face, and suddenly jumped out of his chair.

"I'M NOT, AN, OXY MORON ! YOU'RE THE OXY MORON HERE ! I WON'T TOLERATE BEING CALLED NAMES BY SOMEONE LIKE YOU !"

He quickly drew his sword out and gave a powerful blow in the direction of Hamlet, splitting the table in two parts, Hamlet stepped back to dodge this attack and then also took his sword out. Hamlet tried to scare Laertes by giving back an horizontal strike that missed Laertes but managed to cut a piece of pork and threw it into the air.

Laertes saw the weakness into Hamlet's defense and finally gave a final blow with the edge of his weapon. The blade went through the piece of pork that was flying in the air like a skewer. The sword was getting closer and closer of Hamlet's face. What could he do ? He had only one solution, he blocked the blow with his teeth and bit into the blade with all his might.

Hamlet swallowed the piece of meat.

He instantly rushed for Claudius and stabbed him in the throat.

Hamlet stepped back after murdering Claudius and yelled :

"My body is corrupted now ! How can a true Muslim ever eat pork !"

And then committed suicide.

Polunius woke up and saw the corpse of his master,

and then committed suicide by hanging himself with the curtain.

Laertes saw the corpse of his father hanging,

and then committed suicide by cutting his own throat with the glass shards remaining on the table.

Gertrude woke up and saw the corpse of her son,

and then committed suicide by stabbing herself with a fork.

Few hours later, Ophelia came into the living room with a bouquet full of flowers.

She saw the bath of blood that painted the walls red and then screamed out loud:

"OH MY GOOD HOLY BLESSED SWEET ENLIGHTED GODDAMNED TERRIBLE LORD !"

and then fainted, fell onto the table, stuck her head into the wine bowl and then drowned.

Something was rotten in the state of Denmark...


End file.
